[ kaiser has known that ness tends to be emotional since the day they met, since meeting a person when he's on the ground and the verge of tears, all his dreams about to visibly shatter in his expression certainly leaves an impression, even if you're not much of an empathizer. he also could've guessed at that point that ness has a slight tendency to not pick the fights he could win when the stakes are high, but it wasn't until later that he realized ness also has a tendency to pick low-stakes fights that he really shouldn't. all of these tendencies somehow convalesced in the last, what, three minutes?
his reaction to being pushed down comes a few moments afterwards: he bites down on ness's lower lip, hard but only for a split second before he puts his palm to ness's upper chest and pushes him away slightly. yet his fingers curl into ness's shirt as well, not letting him get too far away — a controlled distance, precisely locked down with a sense of poise to it. ]
... Do you know what you're doing? [ well, probably not — to either of them, really. ] Better fucking commit if you're going for it. God gives second chances, but I don't.
[ how can he say something so cringe with a straight face??? thankfully ness is in love so his words actually hit him properly and don't make him laugh like they would a sane person. he looks at him and his bright, clear eyes, pinned right under him, and feels a slight chill as he draws in slow breaths. ]
...I— I don't know what I'm doing. But I know that I would never forgive myself if I didn't try it.
[ but with that hand on his chest, he can't close the distance again on his own... how frustrating. ]
I always hold back around you, Kaiser, and if you ask me to control myself, I will, but... I can't do it on my own...
[ he's staring up at ness, gaze steady, his pupils slightly contracted — everything about his body language, limited as it is, suggests that ness can be on top of him physically, but he still feels like he's the one on top in any way that actually matters. ]
You can't do anything that I don't want you to.
[ sane and normal thing to say. in one way, the sentiment is a shackle; yet in another, it could be freedom — the freedom of knowing that in a sense, kaiser takes ownership of anything that happens. that's the sort of price you should pay when somebody is willing to treat your victories as their own, he thinks: the willingness to take responsibility for everything in turn, whatever "everything" ends up entailing. ]
Or, what? Want me to push you down instead? [ he stops pushing upwards, but doesn't take his hand away. ] Say something. Or do something. Or...
[ kaiser is right, as always. those words are freedom for ness rather than a constriction, because he's right - if he were doing anything kaiser didn't want, he'd be bludgeoned to death. so this means— ah.
he feels the shove at his chest relent. after those reassuring words, his breath slows down, his anxiety slowly shrinking with each fraction of a second that passes quietly between them.
it's... not easy to love someone like kaiser. it's not easy to know it's always going to be one-sided, and that even at its best, all he could ever hope for is pity. he can tell himself at least their friendship is mutual to keep himself sane.
kaiser is self-destructive, and he enjoys it when his tendencies are indulged as well; ness knows this, and it could be the ace under his sleeve, except... he doesn't want to hurt kaiser. kaiser keeps approaching people like isagi (and who knows who else) to push himself to the limit at the cost of his own well-being - people that look like they could hurt him. and what has that gotten him? he always ends up unhappier than ever. ness hates seeing him like that. he hates watching him chase after others when he knows they'll only give kaiser temporary happiness because the truth is none of them care about him at all. and they should care. they should be honored.
he moves a hand carefully away from his shoulder, touching the side of his face instead to move away a few stray strands of hair from his face.
kaiser doesn't want this. kaiser doesn't want to know someone genuinely loves him and wants to be happy with him. kaiser doesn't want anything soft... but just as he said, ness can't help himself. he cups the side of his face, brushing his thumb gently over his skin. he can't ever say the most obvious part out loud, even if it's not a secret. so he opts for the second best thing, leaning down to kiss him again - slow, deeper, as if this were the first and last time - because for all he knows, it just might be. ]
[ when your biggest shooter is also your most accurate hater at the same time... ough...
still, it isn't as if ness is wrong about any of that. if anything, that ness understands him well without kaiser having to say what he's thinking in so many words is something that kaiser likes about him very much. another thing that kaiser likes about ness, for whatever it says about the kind of person he is: he likes that ness knows what kaiser can and can't do for him. because in kaiser's world, this is clearly a matter of capability rather than willingness, and it's not important whether or not he wants to loved sincerely when he's convinced that he isn't meant for that in the first place.
this is why being around ness is comfortable to kaiser — why he's willing to touch and perhaps even be affectionate towards ness every now and again, and receive the same in turn — but maybe that works against ness more than it works in his favor. ness can't do anything kaiser doesn't want, after all.
he tilts his face into ness's touch — that means some of the stray strands of hair just come tumbling back down moments after. and as ness leans in to kiss him again, he lifts up his other arm to hook around ness's neck, the crook of his elbow bumping up against the back of his head. not quite holding him there, but also not letting him get too far away. this time, kaiser keeps his eyes open, gaze fixed intently on what of ness's expression he can see at such close quarters. ]
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no subject
his reaction to being pushed down comes a few moments afterwards: he bites down on ness's lower lip, hard but only for a split second before he puts his palm to ness's upper chest and pushes him away slightly. yet his fingers curl into ness's shirt as well, not letting him get too far away — a controlled distance, precisely locked down with a sense of poise to it. ]
... Do you know what you're doing? [ well, probably not — to either of them, really. ] Better fucking commit if you're going for it. God gives second chances, but I don't.
[ sniffling and laughing as i type these words— ]
rip my notifs...
...I— I don't know what I'm doing. But I know that I would never forgive myself if I didn't try it.
[ but with that hand on his chest, he can't close the distance again on his own... how frustrating. ]
I always hold back around you, Kaiser, and if you ask me to control myself, I will, but... I can't do it on my own...
even dw wants ness to suffer...
[ he's staring up at ness, gaze steady, his pupils slightly contracted — everything about his body language, limited as it is, suggests that ness can be on top of him physically, but he still feels like he's the one on top in any way that actually matters. ]
You can't do anything that I don't want you to.
[ sane and normal thing to say. in one way, the sentiment is a shackle; yet in another, it could be freedom — the freedom of knowing that in a sense, kaiser takes ownership of anything that happens. that's the sort of price you should pay when somebody is willing to treat your victories as their own, he thinks: the willingness to take responsibility for everything in turn, whatever "everything" ends up entailing. ]
Or, what? Want me to push you down instead? [ he stops pushing upwards, but doesn't take his hand away. ] Say something. Or do something. Or...
[ "or stop wasting my time," he shall not say. ]
no subject
he feels the shove at his chest relent. after those reassuring words, his breath slows down, his anxiety slowly shrinking with each fraction of a second that passes quietly between them.
it's... not easy to love someone like kaiser. it's not easy to know it's always going to be one-sided, and that even at its best, all he could ever hope for is pity. he can tell himself at least their friendship is mutual to keep himself sane.
kaiser is self-destructive, and he enjoys it when his tendencies are indulged as well; ness knows this, and it could be the ace under his sleeve, except... he doesn't want to hurt kaiser. kaiser keeps approaching people like isagi (and who knows who else) to push himself to the limit at the cost of his own well-being - people that look like they could hurt him. and what has that gotten him? he always ends up unhappier than ever. ness hates seeing him like that. he hates watching him chase after others when he knows they'll only give kaiser temporary happiness because the truth is none of them care about him at all. and they should care. they should be honored.
he moves a hand carefully away from his shoulder, touching the side of his face instead to move away a few stray strands of hair from his face.
kaiser doesn't want this. kaiser doesn't want to know someone genuinely loves him and wants to be happy with him. kaiser doesn't want anything soft... but just as he said, ness can't help himself. he cups the side of his face, brushing his thumb gently over his skin. he can't ever say the most obvious part out loud, even if it's not a secret. so he opts for the second best thing, leaning down to kiss him again - slow, deeper, as if this were the first and last time - because for all he knows, it just might be. ]
no subject
still, it isn't as if ness is wrong about any of that. if anything, that ness understands him well without kaiser having to say what he's thinking in so many words is something that kaiser likes about him very much. another thing that kaiser likes about ness, for whatever it says about the kind of person he is: he likes that ness knows what kaiser can and can't do for him. because in kaiser's world, this is clearly a matter of capability rather than willingness, and it's not important whether or not he wants to loved sincerely when he's convinced that he isn't meant for that in the first place.
this is why being around ness is comfortable to kaiser — why he's willing to touch and perhaps even be affectionate towards ness every now and again, and receive the same in turn — but maybe that works against ness more than it works in his favor. ness can't do anything kaiser doesn't want, after all.
he tilts his face into ness's touch — that means some of the stray strands of hair just come tumbling back down moments after. and as ness leans in to kiss him again, he lifts up his other arm to hook around ness's neck, the crook of his elbow bumping up against the back of his head. not quite holding him there, but also not letting him get too far away. this time, kaiser keeps his eyes open, gaze fixed intently on what of ness's expression he can see at such close quarters. ]